


In your hands

by ThatWALKERKid



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Avatrice, Beatrice will do anything for Ava, Canon Related, F/F, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Smol Ava wants to kiss beatrice, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:07:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25181464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWALKERKid/pseuds/ThatWALKERKid
Summary: This is new. And perfect and something Ava doesn’t ever want to stop feeling and it’s all because of Beatrice.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 40
Kudos: 892





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first Warrior Nun fic! So hopefully I do okay with it. I love Ava and Beatrice.. Naturally my first foray into the world is GAAY. Hahaha

* * *

It hit her like a bolt of lightning. 

The mess of her mind halting its dramatic, chaotic bid to pool her thoughts in one giant melt pot of consciousness. A calm settled over every part of her; panicked breaths giving way to measured inhalations of serenity. A soft, almost magnetic buzz, spat and crackled just beneath the surface of her skin; a sort of euphoric white noise seeping into every nerve ending, muscle fibre and bone in her body. 

This was new.

She’d never felt anything like this before. Everything had been pain, and sadness and being alone but as she sat there, she felt a peace, kindness, a sense of care and belonging rise up within her. A flush of warmth rocketed into the pit of her stomach, quelling the oceanic tides that had set themselves rolling there. 

Ava swallowed thickly, the back of her throat feeling packed with cotton. The hand on her chest rose and fell in time with the lengthy breaths she was taking, a thumb dancing across her cheek bone in perfect synchronicity. 

Her eyes flicked from blown out pupils to slightly parted lips and back again as she tried to focus on how they had come to be in this position and how she could hold onto everything she was feeling forever. One second she’d been phasing through a wall and the next, she was being held by strong, yet delicate hands; calming her down. 

She had gotten lost during the phase and had become disorientated, effectively sending herself in circles. The crushing weight of the concrete bore down on her; lungs constricting, bones beginning to wane under the pressure. But a steady, deliberately encouraging voice in her ear had guided her out of the trouble she’d found herself in. Her body had crashed to the floor, her lungs screaming , chest heaving, eyes screwed tightly shut as she scrambled across the floor to get away from the wall that had almost swallowed her whole. 

Panic had followed her out of the cold confines of the stone and had become an all consuming force, spreading through her but as the warm, comforting hands had grabbed at her, she’d stilled and allowed her eyes to flutter open to look at their owner.

Beatrice.

Strong, kind, loyal... beautiful, badass Beatrice. 

“ _You’re okay... just breathe.. in through my hand.... out through your mouth.”_

Ava did as she was instructed; feeling her panic subside as the pair breathed in sync. A smile played at the edge of her mouth as she continued to breathe and stare at Beatrice. Their eyes danced along cheek bones and jaw lines and studied parted lips. 

“ _Where did you learn how to do that._ ”

Her voice was soft and tinged with curiosity; had she helped other Warrior nuns like this? If she was honest she hoped that it was just something she’d come to try in that moment, with her and her alone but Ava knew she wasn’t that special. 

At seeing Ava having got her breath back, Beatrice shifted, removing her hands, much to Ava’s dissatisfaction, sitting down beside her; arms wrapped around bent knees. 

“ _When I first got to the catholic boarding school, I was alone. I didn’t know anyone and was trying to correct the wrong parts of myself. I would have moments where I couldn’t breathe, where I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I felt like I was falling through the cracks. Then one of the sisters there came to me and asked if she could help.”_

Ava watched as Beatrice’s eyes faded into the distance, glazing over with a slick sheen as she recounted the memory. It hadn’t occurred to her that Beatrice wasn’t always so put together, that she’d struggled so much. But then how could she not have been struggling. Sent away from her family for something she couldn’t control and for something that in Ava’s eyes wasn’t anything at all wrong. 

She reached for Beatrice’s hand and intertwined their fingers together. 

“ _I’m sorry you had to go through that.”_

It was veiled and Beatrice knew it was more than about the panic and anxiety. They both stared at their joined hands; Ava’s thumb gently skating across the back of Beatrice’s. After a moment, Beatrice continued; seemingly mesmerised by the invisible patterns Ava’s thumb was painting on her skin. 

“ _It’s meant to act like a tether. Often when panic sets in, it feels like your floating away and can’t get back to the ground. Your breath increases to no avail and it sends messages of fear to your brain. The weight of the hand on your chest is supposed to help connect you to things that matter, that you can think about and help you to know that you’re okay, that you’re not alone.”_

A sense of sadness washed over Ava once again.

She knew alone. How it seeped into your very core, imprinting itself in bold across the expanse of your soul. It was a hard mark to remove; a lifetime of scratching and clawing for every inch. 

“ _You’re not alone anymore_.”

Ava looked at Beatrice who turned her head to do the same; eyes igniting a war within each other them that they’d happily lose. Beatrice squeezes her hand and Ava felt her breath hitch.

A sheen had taken up residence in Beatrice’s eyes, tears threatening to cascade down her perfect features. 

“ _Neither are you Ava._ ”


	2. It's you. The feeling I get.. is just you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Ava was a miracle. If it meant that she got to spend moments like this with Beatrice she would be anything she was told. The balance between them begins to shift but Ava knows she's always safe in Beatrice's hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read chapter one and gave me kudos and commented. Y'all keep a girl going! Wasn't sure if I was gonna make this a multi chap thing but felt more moments between these two were needed. Might write more... a progression, a discovery of them and their feelings for each other! 
> 
> ENJOY!

* * *

The sun was warm on her skin.

The blades of soft grass tickled at her but she didn’t mind.

It was just nice to be able to relax and enjoy the world around her, even if it was just for a hot minute. She wiggled her toes as a gentle breeze filtered through the grass around her; contented breath melting her further into the ground.

She found the perfect spot to enjoy the sun away from prying eyes but still close enough to the cats cradle that she could be there if needed. She knew it wasn’t 100 percent safe for her to be out in the open just yet but sometimes she needed a moment to breathe, just her; a separation of church and state. Everything had been crazy right from the start but now that she had found her home, her purpose, that she’d stopped fighting the path she had been placed upon, she would do anything for any of the sisters; she wasn’t alone.

A soft smile pulled at her lips as a warmth spread through her chest at the thought of actually having a family.

It had been so long, and if she was completely honest she wasn’t entirely sure she remembered what it was supposed to feel like. But what she had now, felt good, felt safe and that was more than she’d ever felt in her relatively short time out in the world. The orphanage had broken her, taken her spirit and replaced it with a fear, a hatred, a willingness to shield herself from everyone and everything around her; she couldn’t get hurt if she didn’t let anyone get close.

That had all changed.

She had started to trust, to believe she was worth more than what she had been made to believe she was. She had value and people cared for her.

And now she cared for them too.

The smile on her lips pulled into a slight frown as a shadow crossed over her, stealing the warmth of the sun. Her eyes fluttered open slowly and the smile she had lost lit up her eyes once more at the sight.

Beatrice.

Beautiful, badass Beatrice.

_“Hey..”_

Beatrice smiled back down at her, her face soft, eyes sparkling.

It was a sight Ava would never get used to or want to. She’d want to be able to discover it over and over again. It was a smile that seemed only for her, in the moments of quiet between the pair and Ava would be forever content with that.

She watched as Beatrice knelt down and then lay down beside her; an arm resting beside her own on the grass.

_“Hey..”_

They lay in blissful silence for a few moments, just content to listen to the world around them. But soon Ava noticed Beatrice had begun to fidget slightly; another thing she seemed to only do in her presence. Normally so put together and calm and collected and in charge of herself, but in the moments in between, the ones where she dared to let herself just be, she seemed to be bristle with a nervous energy, a want to be more than the exposed self she showed everyone else.

Ava turned her head to look at her, to see her eye lashes flutter against perfect skin as her eyes sort out imaginary points of interest in the sky above her, to see her throat bob thickly as she swallowed down what ever she was trying not to ask. It struck Ava that she hadn’t always been open to everyone and that it still might be hard for people to talk to her. An unsettled feeling tried to swell in the pit of her stomach but she stamped it down.

No. She wasn’t going to let her past define the person she was now and who she was working towards being. She wanted everyone to be able to talk to her, to ask her things, to know her.

_“You can ask you know. I won’t bite.”_

Beatrice’s eyes closed for a spilt second, a resignation washing over her features before she turned her head to look back at Ava. Their eyes danced over each other, mapping and remembering and admiring before Beatrice turned her gaze back to the heavens.

_“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to seem weird.”_

Ava looked back to the sky as well and shook her head at the inference.

_“You’re not being weird. I know I’ve been prickly in the past and haven’t always made it easy to have an actual conversation with me, so please don’t think you are doing anything wrong. I want you to know that you can talk to me, ask me things… that you can know me… that I want you to know me.”_

Good job Ava. Rambling, that’s definitely how to play this.

Her fingers picked absentmindedly at the grass by her side, trying to distract herself from just how awkward she felt. Now she was bristling with nervous energy, until she felt Beatrice’s hand grip her own on the grass, fingers interlocking, fitting together perfectly.

Neither of them said anything for a few moments, letting the warmth spread over them, the calm settling on their skin, just as the wind danced through the grass. Ava felt her mind begin to swim, emotions bubbling just beneath the surface. Beatrice must have sensed something within her and began to speak.

_“What’s it like?..”_

Okay that was a question. Not one Ava was sure how to answer without context but a question she’d said could be asked nonetheless.

_“I mean what’s it like experiencing things for the first time?… What’s it like to be… a miracle?”_

She tripped over the last word and Ava knew it was because Beatrice didn’t want to assume anything of anyone and knew that even though Ava was coming around to being the Warrior Nun, she wasn’t exactly on the same belief wave length as her.

She supposed what she could call herself was in fact a miracle.

Dead and then not.

Quadriplegic and now able to run and walk and feel and touch freely. 

_“I suppose I am a miracle huh?… No one just comes back from the dead without a little divine intervention.”_

Ava knew that the joke was on the nose and that it was a stalling strategy. JC had asked her the same question about what it was like to feel things for the first time. She had been a mess of hormones and unbridled want; it hadn’t been about JC at all, it had been about the things she had never gotten to experience. Her mind had been clouded with what she thought she was meant to be experiencing, but here now with Beatrice asking her, she wanted to give an answer she knew would be understood; to show Beatrice what lay beneath the jokes, and puns and the often infuriating self indulgent attitude.

Beatrice had remained silent, not taking the bait that Ava had laid down. She knew it was a tactic too. She squeezed Ava’s hand gently, urging her on, letting her know that it was okay.

Ava relished in the feeling of Beatrice’s hand in her own, thumb butterflying across the back of it, just like it seemed to always do.

_“There’s an energy… a vibration of sorts, just below the surface. It’s terrifying in that I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel when doing something I’ve never done before, but it also feels like something I never want to let go of. Its a swirling mix of yes and no in my mind; my body fills with a freedom… a…”_

Ava couldn’t think of the right words, to help Beatrice understand. All she could think of to do was the exact same thing she did to show JC. But this time it was more than that. It meant more.

Beatrice meant more.

She raised their hands up above them and gently extracted her fingers from Beatrice’s so she didn’t startle her. Ever so carefully, Ava ghosted her finger tips up and down Beatrice’s own; an energy buzzed between them. It wasn’t anything like the time she had experienced it with JC. This time she could feel the energy building and she began to get lost in it.

Ava didn’t know what home felt like. Not really. Not anymore but in that moment, everything she could hope it would feel like ebbed and flowed within her.

Beatrice turned her gaze from their shifting hands to Ava, watching a plethora of emotions cross her beautiful face. A wonder clenching at her heart but also an understanding that maybe the feeling was unquantifiable to Ava, that to place such restrictions on a gift from god could only be detrimental to the place it took her.

_“The only thing that could define the feeling, is the one I get when I’m with you… It feels like I’m experiencing you for the first time, every time and I know you have taken you’re vows but I haven’t and if that means I get to feel this way every time I’m with you… hell every time I see you, then I wouldn’t want to experience anything else again."_

A smile ghosted Ava’s lips as she connected their hands once again, fingers fitting perfectly into previously empty spaces, as if sculpted for such things and bedded them onto the soft grass by her side. Ava turned her head to look at Beatrice who’s gaze was still upon her. It still amazed her that someone could look at her with kindness, with compassion, care. Her life hadn’t gone to any sort of plan after that fateful day but she was determined to make each moment she had now worth living; which is why as tears began to fall from Beatrice’s eyes, her heart clenched painfully.

She’d never want to cause her distress or sorrow and eyes as beautiful as hers should not know tears. She reached over and wiped away the tears tracking their way down her cheeks with her thumb. Beatrice shifted then and used her hand not gripping Ava’s to wipe at her face, trying to remove any trace of her emotion.

Ava knew that what she had said was a lot for Beatrice to hear. And she had selfishly let the words tumble from her lips; the heaviness of them too much to hold in any longer. She didn’t expect anything back, she knew that’s not where they were.

She’d wait forever if that’s what Beatrice needed, if it meant she could continue to experience all of the things with her for the first time.

Both of them turned their eyes back to the blue, cloud peppered sky, words not needed inthe small space between them.

Ava made a mental note that while she didn’t know if she believed or not, something other worldly had intervened and guided her here to these moments.

And as Beatrice’s grip on her hand didn’t let up… she knew that her and her feelings were safe.


	3. In this life AND the next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beatrice grimaced and moved to check Ava’s injuries but Ava held strong onto the hand in her own. It stopped Beatrice in her tracks and she looked back up at Ava, whose eyes were locked onto her.
> 
> “I’m not going anywhere. I promise…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again THANK YOU to all those who have read, kudos'd and commented. It means more than you could ever know.
> 
> I'm not 100 percent happy with this chapter, it feels all over the place and unfinished but I decided to put it out there as I was stuck on it and going round in circles. 
> 
> I also apologise for the angst and pain in this chapter. I just go there some times. Rest assured I am writing the next chapter back to our happy lil beans discovering their feelings.
> 
> All the vibes xx

* * *

It hit her like a king tide.

Every nerve ending and muscle fibre screamed and if she thought she could manage it, she would have as well but the metallic tang coating her tongue and the back of her throat rendered even speech hard to come by.

Her back was flat against the ground, the stone a cool contrast to the thick heaviness that seemed to press down on her entire body. Her mind was foggy, her thoughts sluggish, and she couldn’t quite put her finger on what had happened.

The air was thick with dust and debris from the surrounding stone structure and it rained down like dirty snow around her. How was she in this position yet again.

Body still.

Limbs lifeless.

A further heaviness settled in her chest, rib cage straining to expand to let enough air into her lungs.

She was beginning to panic.

She had done so, in the before, when her world had been reduced to the area she could see when she turned her head.

As if on muscle memory, Ava turned her head to catch sight of where she now lay. Her breathing becoming even more laboured when she couldn’t see or hear anyone else. She couldn’t really hear anything at all; the feeling of cotton wool plugging her ears.

Where were Camilla, Mary, Lilith and Beatrice?

Her blood ran cold.

Beatrice…

Her mind screamed as her memories came flooding back.

They’d been cornered by wraith demons and one had grabbed Beatrice. Even one just breathing in her directions was guaranteed to set Ava off. Beatrice had been struggling with a demonic civilian but he was bigger than she was and he’d managed to grab Beatrice by the throat.

Ava had felt the halo’s power begin to surge as she’d leapt over a falling man trying to get to Beatrice. Her feet had hit the ground and everything had seemed to stop for a moment as a burst of energy catapulted out of her, and everyone was sent flying.

Great.

As always she never failed to make a bad situation worse. So she was in this position because of her own actions; however noble she had intended them to be. She swallowed hard trying to budge the lump there, her throat feeling like it as coated in thick molasses. The action caused her to cough and as she turned her head; blood spraying from her lips onto the ground.

Okay. That wasn’t good either.

_“Ava?..”_

All of a sudden sound became crystal clear and her head began to swim. She tried to clear her throat once again to no avail. She turned her head to and fro, trying to see where the voice was coming from and as a familiar silhouette appeared above her, tears began to well in her eyes.

Soft, strong, knowing hands skimmed over her until they reach her face, one cupping a bloodied cheek the other grabbing hold of a hand that she was just beginning to feel again.

Ava knew it was stupid but couldn’t help the smile that pulled at her lips as Beatrice’s dirt covered but beautiful face looked at her. She was okay. Beatrice was alive and breathing and there with her.

_“Ava can you hear me?”_

Ava nodded causing her to cough again, spraying blood across her cheek and the ground beside her once again. She swallowed again but this time felt her throat release its constrictive hold.

_“B…Bea.. okay?”_

Beatrice nodded, thumb butterflying across her cheek as she looked into her eyes.

_“I’m okay… so are the others. Sorry it took us a bit to find you. You blasted yourself clear through 2 other rooms. If it hadn’t almost destroyed the building and crushed you, I’d have been very impressed.”_

Ava tried to chuckle at Beatrice’s attempt at humour but her pain receptors had begun to awaken and the pain in her stomach shot up into her chest. Beatrice grimaced and moved to check Ava’s injuries but Ava held strong onto the hand in her own. It stopped Beatrice in her tracks and she looked back up at Ava, whose eyes were locked onto her.

_“I’m not going anywhere. I promise…”_

Ava nodded and reluctantly let go of Beatrice’s hand, knowing that it was important.

Beatrice carefully lifted the bottom of Ava’s blood soaked shirt to look at the wound there. She cringed as Ava groaned at the movement. Blood seeped readily out of the wound and Beatrice could see that something was embedded in Ava’s stomach.

_“How’s it look doc?”_

The words fumbled through gritted teeth and one of Ava’s hands had managed to grasp the closest thing of Beatrice she could find; her shirt.

_“Well, it looks like a bit of debris is lodged in the wound. With the halo power still depleted, I’m not sure what I can do here Ava.”_

Beatrice looked back at Ava, eyes slick with worry and a sheen emotion that Ava knew she did not want to be having at this moment.

_“Do what you have to Beatrice. I trust you.”_

With a curt nod and a deep breath Beatrice set about doing what she had to do. She pulled off her outer shirt, leaving her in her blank tank top, strong muscular arms exposed. Ava would have had the sense to admire them further but her eyes and clamped shut as Beatrice applied pressure to the wound with the shirt she had hurriedly shucked off moments earlier.

_“In this life or the next..”_

Ava opened her eyes, tears spilling from their corners and put her hand over Beatrice’s on her stomach.

_“In this life and the next..”_


	4. in selfish tides I wade into the deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had let the waters take her; raging and all consuming. Unknown as to where she was going to end up and she didn’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another instalment! Hopefully this helps ease the sting of last chapter. Thanks once again to all those who continue to read and enjoy, your responses are giving me life. 
> 
> As always I hope you enjoy and look forward to more in this series as it comes about. 
> 
> All the vibes.

* * *

It was like a gentle stream in the beginning.

The bubbling had echoed in her mind. It had carved out a space within her no matter how many times she tried to block its advance.

It built and built until the pressure broke her barriers; the dam falling away, sending a tidal wave crashing over every part of her, soaking her in predetermined sins. 

This wasn’t allowed.

She was told so; over and over again. This was wrong. **_She_** was wrong.

She’d spent her whole life being moulded, crafted, directed away from what she was now drowning in.

At first she tried to swim against the tide. Used everything inside of her to try and get to dry land, to be who she was supposed to be.

But as she struggled, her armour began to crack and crumble, the tendrils snaking through her like the roots of a tree; firmly taking hold of its footings.

And now?

She had let the waters take her; raging and all consuming. Unknown as to where she was going to end up and she didn’t care.

The soft, warm, battle weary hand in hers was the only thing that mattered. It had been hours now and a struggle to make sure they done everything they could.

They had managed to get Ava out of the rubble and back to the relative safety of the cats cradle. It had then been a nervous wait while the only doctor they could find worked on removing the debris from Ava’s wound.

Beatrice had made sure she had stayed by Ava’s side, to make sure that everything was being done that could be to keep her alive until the halo had recharged. The doctor had managed to patch her up and now all they could do was wait. It wasn’t like they hadn’t been through this before, but this time Beatrice couldn’t help but feel the fear rising in the pit of her stomach, clashing with the tides of other feelings that found themselves rising up from in the before.

It had been hours now though and Beatrice hadn’t moved from the side of the bed where Ava now lay, motionless, healing. The others had come and gone and the afternoon had turned into night but Beatrice didn’t care how long she had to sit there; she was going to be there when Ava woke up.

Delicate patterns danced from her finger tips onto the smooth skin of Ava’s hand; it was all Beatrice could do to hold some sort of composure. She couldn’t be falling apart, she knew bigger things were at stake here… and she had still taken her vows.

Her stomach plummeted.

Her vows.

She had always known what taking her vows was going to mean. She had needed that solace, what at first was an excuse to hide from her feelings; from who she was. But over time, and with the direction and love from God, she had come to find meaning and truth in her vows. She had taken them seriously. They were what kept her on an even keel, saved her from disappearing in a world that told her she had no right to exist in her original form, that her soul could only be saved if she renounced her attachment to such things.

And detach she had.

Thrown herself into her servitude… and then into the OCS.

She had found her purpose; finally feeling like she belonged to something.

But then this mysterious, annoying, hard headed, gorgeous girl had come along and thrown her carefully constructed world off kilter. Beatrice had been hard on her in the beginning, had tried to keep her feelings separated from the work at hand, to exile her emotions to the darkest depths where she wouldn’t have to deal with them, where they couldn’t further reign over her.

Of course, that had failed.

Little by little, moment by moment.

Ava had created a space for herself within Beatrice’s mind. It had been confusing and frustrating and overwhelming and she had spent many a night counselling herself for thoughts that had crossed her mind that day. 

But day after day, night after night, her fear had given way to longing for just one more minute, one more smile, one more moment feeling at peace in a way she had never considered before; in a way she never thought she would be worthy of having.

Ava had a presence that Beatrice couldn’t describe and it wasn’t just because god had bestowed the halo upon her.

No.

It was more than that.

Ava saw her; for all that she was and all that she tried hard to not allow herself to be. She understood where Beatrice was in her life and while she let her know that there was something more at play, Ava never pushed. Never made her needs more prevalent than Beatrice’s own; one of the only things Ava truly didn’t make about herself.

A smile pulled at Beatrice’s lips at just how much Ava had given her in such a small amount of time. The others knew of course, no matter how much Beatrice tried to deny it to herself but they kept it to themselves, which really helped her get to where she was now.

The small moments alone with Ava had shown her that she was indeed worthy of being her true self, no matter who had told her she couldn’t. Simple things other people took for granted, Beatrice relished in.

Reading to Ava from books long since published; watching her eyes light up in wonder at the world that was.

Guiding her through her training; getting to see how hard she was trying and how far she had come already.

Laying in the sun, looking at the clouds; carefully purposeful finger tips mapping battle hardened hands and strong forearms.

Beatrice’s chest wracked with a heavy, worried filled sigh; surely Ava should have awoken by now.

Surely her silent prayers had been heard, to wake her from her unconsciousness. Beatrice knew she was being selfish, that her wants of seeing Ava’s eyes stare into the very core of her was self serving. She knew Ava would rise when the time was right; when the halo had decided its vessel was fit for service again.

Her eyes mapped closed lids and barely parted pink lips, cheek bones and perfect skin. She drank them in without fear, without trepidation for what it meant.

She knew.

And she didn’t care what it meant.

She grasped Ava’s hand tighter and brought it up to her lips, placing a gentle kiss to the back of it before resting it against her cheek.

_“Of all the things in my life that I thought I didn’t need any longer… You…”_

Her words stuck to trembling lips. She swallowed hard and licked her lips to free them.

_“For the longest time, I felt like I was alone. Of course I had my sisters, but aside from god my soul was alone. It was how I was told it was supposed to be. But I can’t help but think that god gifted me with your presence; allowed you to show me that who I am is okay and that all of the stuff before was leading me here; whether it be fate or Devine intervention.”_

Beatrice let her eyes flutter closed, surrendering to the feeling of Ava’s hand in her own against her cheek.

But she continued.

_"You are stubborn, arrogant, self centred at times, you completely under-estimate your own abilities but….”_

Ava’s eyes opened slowly, a smile tugged at the corners of her lips..

_“Please tell me how you really feel…”_

Beatrice’s eyes flew open and she almost fell onto Ava as she shifted from the chair she was in to kneel beside the bed.

_“Ava???”_

The smile blossomed onto Ava’s face and lit up her tear slicked eyes.

_“Hey…”_

Beatrice collapsed against Ava’s chest, hand still held in her own, ear finding her strong, steady heart beat and she couldn’t stop the tears falling from her eyes any longer. Ava cupped her head with her free hand, fingers slipping into her hair, gently scratching at her scalp.

_“It’s okay Bea…I’m okay…”_

Beatrice opened her eyes lifting her head off of Ava’s chest to look her in the eyes. Ava’s hand followed the action and cupped her cheek; wiping away the tears that had tracked their way down her cheek.

Ava smiled up at her, the all too well known glint in her eye.

_“I should be unconscious from exploding rooms more often if it gets me the compliments you were throwing out…”_

A chuckle escaped Beatrice’s lips, knowing the sarcasm that dripped from Ava’s words.

_“You didn’t exactly let me finish…”_

Ava nodded in thought but stayed silent; giving Beatrice to finish what she was saying if she wanted to.

_“I was going to say that even though you are all of those things, you try harder than anyone I know… and that despite all you have been through, you allow yourself to feel wholly… unashamed.... For that… to me you are perfect.”_

Tears had slipped from Ava’s eyes now and her lip trembled slightly at the ramifications of what Beatrice was saying. She didn’t get to reply as she felt Beatrice shift forward, cupping her face, lips ghosting over her own before being pressed against them. It took a second for Ava to realise what was happening and before she knew it, Beatrice had pulled back but not far enough that she had let go of her. She watched as eyes danced over her features, from her eyes to her parted lips and back again; the wonder on Beatrice’s face a form of ecstasy that Ava was never going to give up.

She smiled again as Beatrice captured her lips, this time prepared; they're lips fitting perfectly together, moving as one as Ava let Beatrice explore her movements.

Beatrice’s mind catalogued all it could as her lips melded against Ava’s.

Ava’s lips were soft and plump and tasted like a divinity that Beatrice was sure she would never be bestowed. A heat glowed in her chest as she felt Ava respond. Her heart fluttered and the rising tide of fear banished itself from within her; replaced with a force she’d all too easily forgotten the strength of… Love.


	5. Of truths and paths we can now walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beatrice has been avoiding Ava... its causing problems... And Ava doesn't understand.. until she does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all of you that have read, kudos and commented on this fic. Y'all are giving me life. I'm loving writing these moments, Not sure how many are left but I hope you enjoy the ride as we go along!

* * *

The pain radiated through her.

Her ribs had taking the brunt of the blow and the air deserted her lungs. Her knees hit the mat beneath her painfully and she clutched at her side trying to regain her breath.

It had been her fault.

She was paying attention to the task at hand.

_“Your mind is not here Ava. You need to be present or the halo won’t be able to anticipate what you need from it.”_

Ava rolled her eyes and grunted as she stood back up to face Lilith who stood waiting for her to be ready once more.

She wasn’t so new to this anymore. She knew that she had to concentrate but the past few days had her mind firmly on other important developments.

_“I’m sorry okay… but I’m human, I have other things on my mind sometimes. I’m doing my best.”_

Lilith relaxed her stance, lowering the staff in her grip.

_“I sympathise Ava… I really do, but in these times, with what we are yet to face… Your best just may not be enough.’_

Without anything further Ava watched as Lilith turned and walked away from their sparring session. Of course she also knew that Lilith was right. This had been Ava’s existence for a few months now, not years of sacrifice like everyone else here. She huffed out a heavy sigh and winced as she made her way back to her quarters.

Once there, Ava stood in front of the full length mirror and lifted her shirt to look at the damage beneath. A dark, purpling bruise graced a small section of her ribs. It wasn’t too bad and as she’d come to realise not something the halo was going to be taking care of with any great haste… and why should it? It wasn’t a life threatening injury and didn’t really preclude her from getting on with her training. She was lost in her own thoughts and didn’t notice the figure stop at the door frame to her room.

_“Are you alright Ava?”_

Ava took a deep breath which she regretted a little as her ribs contracted and pain shot through her but she lowered her shirt and looked up at Beatrice in the mirror behind her.

_“It’s nothing. I just wasn’t quick enough to block that’s all.”_

Beatrice walked into the room and Ava turned around to look at her.

_“Lilith said you were distracted and not paying attention.. You know you have to keep your wits Ava..”_

Ava waved her off and shuffled away from her, creating a little distance between them.

“ _So what now you’re going to berate me too…don’t worry Lilith already gave me the speech… I’m well versed.”_

Ava watched as Beatrice’s face fell a bit and regretted her statement as soon as it had come out of her mouth.

_“I wasn’t going to give you the speech, I was going to ask if you were okay… really..?”_

Ava shrugged… she was confused and now her ribs hurt because the very woman standing before her had kissed her and then had done everything in her power to avoid having any interaction with her. She knew that the kiss was a big deal for Beatrice and would never assume anything from it but she thought they could at least work out the rest together.

_“Are you?”_

The words cracked the stiff air between them like lightning through a tree.

_“I am fine… you don’t need to worry about me Ava.”_

It hit Ava like another punch to the gut, her insides squeezing and contracting. It kinda hurt her feelings that Beatrice would tell her that she didn’t need to worry. Of course she was going to worry. Had they not established that there was something between them? Her hurt morphed a little into anger and annoyance. Beatrice had been avoiding her for days with no explanation.

_“Right… I suppose you avoiding me for the past few days was to show me how Okay you are.”_

Ava watched as Beatrice swallowed thickly, trying to keep the wetness shining in her eyes from being anything more than that. She stepped forward slowly, trying not to startle her.

_“You want to know what happened with Lilith? I got distracted because I thought I got a glimpse of you from across the room and she struck me with the staff before I could block the blow… Ive been distracted because you kissed me and then disappeared without…”_

Ava didn’t get to finish her thought as lips crashed against hers, hands balled at the front of her shirt and pulled her flush with Beatrice’s body. Her confusion was replaced by a heat flourishing in her chest. One of her hands found refuge on Beatrice’s hip and the other cupped her cheek as delicate lips danced across hers.

Her hurt feelings collapsed into a euphoria; galaxies exploding behind her closed eye lids. Beatrice’s hand removed its grip from the front of her shirt and found a hold again to the back of her neck; fingers slipping effortlessly into the hair there.

Ava couldn’t tell how long they had stood melded into one another, lips chasing and exploring and she didn’t care. She wanted to stay in this moment forever; the burning in her lungs be damned. The rest of the world seemed to melt away, and only came back into focus when Beatrice broke their connection, breath heavy, lips plump and cherry red from their explorations. She rested her forehead against Ava’s own. The grip on her neck tightened and released; sending even more warmth flooding through Ava’s system had she thought it possible.

_“I’m sorry Ava…”_

This brought a frown to Ava’s brow; what did Beatrice have to be sorry for. Ava shifted slightly, tightening her grip on Beatrice’s hips but moved back far enough to be able to look her in the eyes.

_“Sorry for what?… One of the best kisses of my life?”_

Ava watched the blush creep up Beatrice’s neck and into her cheeks. It was beautiful and perfect and Ava made a mental note to try and see it more often. She smiled at her, the light reaching her eyes. Beatrice closed her own, the connection between them overwhelming her slightly. 

_“I’m sorry for avoiding you these past few days. I… this… Its all…”_

Ava cupped Beatrice’s face in both hands, delicate thumbs dancing over defined cheek bones, coaxing her out of her internal hiding place. Beatrice’s eyes opened, slick with tears Ava wanted to understand.

Were they happy?

Regretful?

Sad?

Confused?

There were so many things that Ava knew Beatrice could be feeling. It had taken her a lot to get to this point with Ava and she knew it was still a work in progress. It was a marathon not a sprint. Ava too felt all of those things at one time or another and knew how hard they were to process and she didn’t have the looming fact that she’d taken vows hanging over her head either. She wiped at the silent tears tracking their way down Beatrice’s cheeks.

_“It’s a lot… I should be the one who’s sorry. I can’t begin to understand just how hard this is for you… how much you are giving up in these moments. I would never want you to give yourself over to something that caused you pain… that I cause you pain..”_

Beatrice shook her head and cupped her hand over Ava’s on her cheek.

_“I’ve spent so long telling myself I’m not supposed to have these feelings… that my duty is to god and my sisters and there can be nothing more. Then you came along and you allowed me your strength to believe that god could only love me in his image… I am beautifully and wonderfully made and withholding that part of myself, would deny me the graciousness god wants me to live by…”_

Ava took a deep breath trying to quell the rising tide of emotion within her. No one had ever thought anything much of her until Beatrice had come along… and she’d had a hard time believing it to be true but as the words tumbled from Beatrice’s lips, her heart swelled and her mind latched on to each utterance.

Someone wanted her.

She was no longer that discarded thing, left alone, broken and barely alive.

She was healing… becoming whole. Her soul willing to admit love, admit a connection to something… someone other than herself.

_“You don’t cause me pain Ava… You make me better… It wasn’t my intention to avoid you but rather the truths our last encounter had shone light upon. While it is a lot and something I’m not used to, its real… and I’m not weak or wrong for allowing it to be so…I just needed a little time to adjust to that..”_

Ava released Beatrice’s face and buried her face in the crook of the nun’s neck; breathing her in. They stood there wrapped in each others arms for a few moments before Ava pulled back and grabbed both of Beatrice’s hands in her own.

_“I know there is a lot to work out… but I’m here… and we can work it out together… when you’re ready… I don’t care about anything else… It’s you and me…”_


	6. Hello demon, my old friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All she knew was that nothing was as it should be and that the guilt and shame rising within her were old friends she’d tried to part ways with, now back setting up shop to mingle with the judgement and self loathing already residing there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't know where this chapter was going and/or will be going in the next part but I hope you enjoy nonetheless. Thank you to everyone who continues to support this fic.. It really does mean the world. 
> 
> I love you all..

* * *

She felt a little empty, just like her hand now was.

A tidal wave of fear… of hurt… of realisation crashed against the walls of her stomach, rising up and up and up until it had sent her heart awash with a pain she thought she’d never have to feel again.

She was no stranger to the feeling of course; the feeling of loss. She’d lost many things in her life; her mom.. the ability to walk and take care of herself. But she had fought hard to get some of those things back… to allow herself to feel worthy of them.

She’d had help though.

People who had built her up, championed her, made her worth shine through the darkness she held within her.

But now?

All she had gained felt like it was being ripped away… a fading mirage just like the retreating figure of the person that now held it all hostage.

Her bottom lip quivered a little as the rest of the room continued around her without a care of the pain searing and indelible mark on her soul.

She swallowed thickly and advanced further into the room, a smile poised on her face in an attempt to hide the cracking facade just beneath the surface. Wanting nothing more than to vanish, to fade away on the whispers of the wind she used to feel in moments of quiet laid out on the grass looking up at the sky, just outside the cats cradle but she knew she couldn’t.

Not in this small isolated village that she had suggested they pay a visit to. It was meant to be a getaway of sorts, a way for her to unwind and blow off some steam. She’d been here only once before, with Mary, back when she wasn’t sure the warrior nun life was for her. It had filled her with a sense of being, of hope; that this place, how ever small could come together every day and breathe life into its very core.

Ava had needed that moment of realisation back then, that even after all this village had overcome they were still grateful and welcoming.

But as she stood alone by the door leading to the kitchen, her plans felt selfish and ignorant to the facts.

Facts that had swelled and implanted themselves in the forefront of her mind.

Fact. Ava was for all intents and purposes in love with Beatrice; not that she was anywhere near ready to say it to her, but the feelings were there, she knew it.

Fact. The pair had done little more than make out once or twice and had avoided heavy feeling related talks since Beatrice had gone awol after kissing Ava the first time.

Fact. Just because she was ready didn’t mean Beatrice was and she had declared that she was fine with that.

So many facts that Ava wished now were not screaming in the forefront of her brain.

She worried her bottom lip between her teeth and her fingers played with the frayed hem of her blue plaid over shirt trying to figure out a way to fix this mess she found herself in. The roaring swell in her stomach suddenly built and crashed like it would over the bow of a boat in rough seas, over and over again.

The people around her laughed and sang and danced with one another; a celebration of her arrival. Ava thought that it was just an excuse for them all to get together and rejoice life in general. If she was honest she’d give anything to be that carefree right about now but she was a slave to her own selfish, wanton emotions; ones that she was seriously starting to wonder about. Why anyone would put themselves through this torment?

Her mind flicked images at her as if in response to the silent, internal query.

Image. The flush that crept up Beatrice’s neck when Ava had called her beautiful.

Image. The smile on her own face as she listened to Beatrice read from an ancient text.

Image. The want in Beatrice’s eyes as she pulled back from one of their first kisses.

Okay, so maybe she knew why people put themselves in positions like these. She was just confused and feeling sorry for herself. She shouldn’t be feeling sorry for herself, she should be out finding where Beatrice had gone, to make sure she was okay but she couldn’t seem to bring herself to head for the door she’d seen Beatrice retreat through.

Her mind swirled and buzzed and synapses fired in all directions. She was so in her thoughts that she didn’t notice Mary step up to her and only acknowledged her when she placed a gentle hand on her shoulder causing her to jump.

_“You okay Ava?”_

Ava swallowed thickly and tried to shake the fog in her mind. She looked at Mary, the softness of her features somewhat taking her by surprise. But Ava had seen them before, in this very village and whenever Mary spoke about Shannon. She felt safe in the bubble Mary’s question had created in the crowded room.

_“No. Im not and neither is Beatrice. We.. I.. she…”_

Ava closed her eyes and sighed heavily.

Mary moved her hand from Ava’s shoulder to her forearm and guided her through the doors to the kitchen beyond. Ava obliged and let herself be lead away from the noise of the celebrating villagers.

_“Okay warrior nun.. Take a minute and try to form a sentence that I can follow.”_

Ava worried her lip between her teeth, unsure whether she should share this with Mary… without Beatrice giving her permission. But Ava was at a loss for what to do and Mary knew this path.. knew the difficulties of it.

_“Beatrice and I…. Have.. feelings for each other.”_

Ava waited for the calmness on Mary’s face to change into one of disappointment for having led Beatrice off the path she clearly stated she was walking, but it didn’t shift. If anything her eyes softened more and a small smiled pulled at the corner of her mouth.

_“Bout time you guys admitted there was something more between you. Camilla has been bursting at the seams to say something to you or Beatrice but I told her that you both would let us in on it when you were ready. But I take it that something happened when you guys walked in here?”_

Ava nodded and leant her elbows on the metal bench top in front of her, face in her hands.

Mary turned and let her back bump into the bench beside Ava’s slumped form.

_“You wanna know something?”_

Ava peeled a hand away from her face and eyed Mary with a curious nod.

_“I had a place I used to take Shannon in the beginning. It was my way of trying to show her that even though she had taken vows, she could still live and love but I didn’t see that we were different on so many levels and while I chose this life, Shannon was the chosen one. It wasn’t my place to try and show her anything. She would walk whatever path she was meant to and in the end it allowed us our common ground.. as people. Outside of everything else.”_

Ava shifted and mirrored Mary’s position against the bench. She knew it meant a lot that Mary was sharing this with her. The relationship she had with Shannon was solely theirs and a private affair. While everyone seemed to know that the pair had something together, no one knew any details as to how it came to be or how it worked between them. Ava was grateful that Mary had shown up and chosen to share this bit of herself.

_“I know you miss her… she seemed like a really special person.”_

Mary nodded and smiled some what sadly.

_“She really was. She gave so much of herself to everyone… to make sure they were safe and protected… in the end it cost her her life. Given what we now know about Father Vincent, it makes me mad that I didn’t try harder to make sure she was safe and protected… But there is nothing I can do about it now, but keep my sisters together, alive and living life… Just cause you have the halo Ava doesn’t mean it owns you completely. You are only tied to it by as much as you allow.”_

Ava thought about this. Mary was basically telling her that she didn’t have to walk the halo’s path but her own, the one of her own choosing. It was an interesting concept but Ava had made her decision, she was the Halo bearer… she was going to do the same as Shannon; she would keep everyone as safe as she could.

_“But the Halo is what brought us together. How can I not allow it to be the driving force of everything that I am. Im alive because of it. The air fills my lungs because of its power, I am able to walk again and its what Beatrice is tied to..”_

Mary frowned, this time her features curved into disbelief.

_“You really cant think that the halo is all Beatrice sees in you?”_

She kicked absentmindedly at an invisible object on the floor and shrugged like a five year that had been asked a question they didn’t want to answer truthfully.

_“I don’t know anything Mary… Not really. I think I know what I want and then she comes along and everything ive ever thought about gets thrown on its head and I’m drowning.”_

Mary straightens her stance and turns to face Ava head on; knowing eyes searching unsure ones.

_“Beatrice is special….”_

It was Ava’s turn to frown, indignation coating her tongue..

_“I know she is…”_

The words spat from her lips harsher than she had meant them to be but she did know. Beatrice was one of the most amazing people she had ever come across.

Smart.

Beautiful.

Badass.

Fearless.

It then dawned on Ava. She had always been those things; before she had come along. It was Ava who had inserted herself in the deeply rooted life of Sister Beatrice and expected a hollow to be made there for her, to be carved out… without realising that her presence was attached to an obligation… to a promise that had been made to a higher power.

All the feelings that had developed between them had be ancillary to where Beatrice had existed for the longest time and Ava disrupted how Beatrice had come to function in the world.

_“Shit.”_

The word fell from Ava’s lips. dejected and full of realisation. Had she really not been able to see that she was inadvertently trying to make Beatrice walk her path?

Mary could only watch as the truth dawned on Ava; it flickered across her face in a wave of disappointment, sadness and finally acceptance as to what she needed to do now.

“ _I need to find our common ground, outside of all of this.”_

Mary would have smiled at her if she’d thought it appropriate but nodded and placed a gentle hand on Ava’s shoulder.

_“Go…”_

Ava nodded and turned to make for the door but turned back towards Mary a grateful smile on her lips.

_“Mary… Thank you.”_

With a barely there nod of her head, Mary sent Ava on her way; watching as the door closed behind her.

* * *

Everything had been like a dream from the moment they had arrived. Of course Beatrice was familiar with this place but she let Ava guide her around, showing her all the different things she wanted. She watched the smile on her face make the light in her eyes shine brighter than ever before. They had shared so many moments in the hours they’d been there and Beatrice hadn’t felt this at ease or connected to someone for the longest time.

They had taken a walk around the outskirts of town, and Beatrice felt her hand gravitate to Ava’s own; her fingers filling the voids there like they had been made to do just that. Ava’s thumb skated across the back of her hand in a delicate pattern that she couldn’t quite decipher but would catalogue as something she would definitely try and illicit from Ava whenever she could.

The walk had them stop at a secluded spot looking out over the mountains and she found herself perched in between Ava’s legs, her back nestled into her chest, Ava’s arms wrapped around her stomach, chin slotting into the crook of her neck. Beatrice had sighed contently and felt Ava smile into her skin. It truly had been a day that she could only hope to replicate. After a while of sitting in each others company, the sun had begun its decent across the sky; hues of purple an orange melding together in a masterpiece painted by mother nature herself. Ava had smiled brightly at her and Beatrice allowed herself to be lead to the best restaurant in town. 

From what Beatrice could see the place was full of locals but she was so content with how the day had gone she didn’t care how many other people would have their eyes on her. Ava had been a step ahead, hand extended backwards for Beatrice to grab if she wanted to.

And of course she did, it was her safe space, the voids there her own to fill, made by god as a place of refuge from all her worldly troubles. A gentle squeeze of her hand and Ava pushed open the door to be greeted by a room full of towns people in mid festivities. The pair had stopped just inside the door and while some people had stopped their conversation to look over at the newcomers, everyone else seemed to be fully invested in the atmosphere at hand.

Beatrice swallowed thickly.

There were a lot of people in this room… a lot of god fairing people, just like her.

Her chest began to feel heavy, her lungs like useless hole laden sacks, unable to hold any measure of air.

Her grip on Ava’s hand faltered; a panic setting in to her bones.

It was all too much.

Too many people that could judge her, that could coat her in the sins she had been told to avoid. 

She felt Ava try to reassure her with a gentle squeeze to her hand but nothing was going to be able to quell the rising tide within her; its height and inevitable break onto the shores of her soul, sending her spiralling.

The air was now a thick, hot, soup that she couldn’t swallow down. She let go of Ava’s hand completely and could do more than half stumble backwards towards the door through which they had entered; her shoes scuffing on the floor beneath her.

Her back hit the wood and it surged open, tumbling her out into the night. She didn’t allow herself to look at Ava as she moved further away from her minds perceived danger.

She needed air.

She needed the world to stop spinning.

Needed it to not be as complicated as it was.

Wanted nothing more than to be at the stage where she could handle a room full of strangers eyeing her and the fact that her hand was firmly grasped in that of a beautiful girls but it was all too much. Her whole life had been geared to avoiding that exact situation, to making sure that her public perception and usefulness were what she was told they should be.

Tears welled in her eyes as she hurried off into the night. She didn’t know where she was going or if Ava had followed her out, all she knew was that nothing was as it should be and that the guilt and shame rising within her were old friends she’d tried to part ways with, now back setting up shop to mingle with the judgement and self loathing already residing there.

Her foot steps echoed across the cobble stones until she came to a stop, leaning against the built railing of a bridge. The tears slipped silently from her eyes, not wanting to draw any sort of attention to herself. All she wanted to do was fade once again into the background of the story; to be a bit part player in the tale of someone else’s creation.

She was safe there.

She had always been safe there.

And now she wasn’t, she was free falling without a way to stop herself and she knew that it wasn’t going to be the fall that did her in but the sudden, violent stop at the end that would be catastrophic.

And there was nothing she could do… but wait.


	7. what's past, is present and its never easy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beatrice lets her fear take hold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY this has taken forever to get to you. Its not my best work, and if I could have written it differently I would have. I have been in a bad place lately and at times couldnt bring myself to write at all. It made me anxious and I've panicked multiple times over wanting to but not being physically able to. 
> 
> I hope you all will still read... and if you don't enjoy the direction, I hope you will hold on for the next chapter for me to redeem myself. I love these characters and the growth and the chapters ive written prior to this one and would never want to do you guys or them a disservice by writing something this crappy. 
> 
> Thank you for all the messages and kudos, y'all really know how to make a wreck of a human feel special. 
> 
> Let me know what you think. 
> 
> much love and all the vibes xx

* * *

The wind had picked up as the sun had made its retreat from the emerging moon. It licked at the tracks of salty tears on otherwise perfect cheeks. The static in the air around her popped and fizzed, building, a messenger for the approaching storm. It mirrored the swell and ebb of the tide in the pit of her stomach.

Her heart hurt.

It clenched painful as it beat to the thoughts in her mind.

The why’s.

The fears.

The sadness.

The realisation.

Closing her eyes as a fresh wave of tears began to descend her face.

The realisation…

_“Bea…”_

Beatrice froze, her breathe caught in her lungs, her throat dry. The darkening sky above her grumbled and crackled; her heart thudding painfully. The things that voice could do to her; a whisper almost collapsing her gathering resolve. She still hadn’t managed to turn to face the owner of the voice, one who she knew she was about to hurt.

She knew Ava was there. Her blood heated and the scent of her invaded her senses. She gripped the ledge of the cobble stone wall in front of her, its coarse stone biting into her fingertips but she didn’t mind; she needed to feel something other than the emotional tide rising within her. She felt rather than saw Ava step up to her side. Her face painted with collars of concern and confusion. On her periphery, Beatrice could see Ava waiting, not wanting to push but needing something. Taking a deep breath, Beatrice turned her body to face Ava’s own; reddened eyes finally connecting with reflective pools of amber.

Ava shifted slightly, almost like she was going to reach out for Beatrice but thought better of it and instead clutched at the hem of her shirt. The pair stood mere feet from each other, frozen, waiting for the right moment to make the situation known. But Beatrice knew that there was never going to be a right moment; not when what she had to say was going to fundamentally change how Ava saw her, that it would dim the light that shone so brightly from her eyes.

_“I’m sorry for leaving you there like that…I”_

Ava shook her head but Beatrice put up a hand to stop her from speaking. She needed to get this out of her or she never would.

_“Please, just listen….To me, you’ve always had this force within you, that allows you to see things so black and white. Its one of many things that I can only strive to possess. But I don’t possess it. Everything has always been a little grey for me. The lines of so many aspects of my life, blurring together, creating this swirling vortex that I thought I had gotten under control, that I thought I had been able to see more clearly through… and that was because of you. You made me want to see more Ava, more of the colours that the world had to offer…”_

Beatrice wiped at the tears that had begun to track down her cheeks again and chuckled to herself about how far she’d come and how now she was so overwhelmed with the brightness of the colours Ava was showing her that she wanted the blurred mess of grey back; that grey was all she could allow herself because if more were to be then she’d be giving up everything her life had stood for long before Ava had arrived in her world.

But more than anything… Beatrice the badass nun was scared.

_“My whole life has been about fitting in and making sure I do good for my sisters, my faith, for god; it’s what I’m good at. I am so grateful that you came into my life Ava. I truly want you to know that you have made it easier for me to exist as a little bit more of me. I wish it could be more. I wish I could hold your hand in a room full of people, I wish that I could breathe you in, every minute of everyday…That I could feel the way you do; so fully. I wish so many things. But wishing doesn’t make them any easier or me more prepared for them.”_

Beatrice watched all of the thoughts, and memories and the realisation flash in Ava’s eyes; her features falling just a little. Not enough to display the hurt she felt but Beatrice knew. She could tell that she was breaking Ava with every word that fell from her lips.

_“This is a long road Ava. One I’ve walked alone for so many years. It’s going to take a bit longer for me to be able to change its direction, to be able to walk on yours.”_

Her voice broke then, cracking as the first few drops of rain began to patter on the stone around them. Beatrice stared into Ava’s eyes and tried to convey her deeper feelings into them. She watched as Ava’s eyelashes fluttered against her perfect skin, her chest heaving with the release of a gentle sigh before she looked off into the distance; lightening dancing in the clouds there. An unresolved silence hanging in the air between them for a few moments, before Ava’s eyes were on her own again.

_“I never wanted you to feel like you didn’t have a choice. Or that you had to be in the same place I am. I’m sorry. I can only tell you that I wish for all of those things too… With you. But only if you are in them with me, not in them for me. I never wanted to make you feel like you weren’t safe.”_

Beatrice shook her head and finally took Ava’s hand in her own, looking down at how their fingers fit so perfectly together.

_“I’ve always been safe in your hands Ava… please don’t for one second think I regret how I feel, which I know seems incredulous considering I just said I can’t feel that way… that its too much for me right now. But it’s true.”_

A slight pressure to her hand and Beatrice knew that she had under estimated just how Ava was going to take what she had to say. Beatrice really didn’t give her enough credit. She had come so far since she had come into the OCS and had been the only one who had seemed to do the impossible; Ava had made her feel, made it so that she didn’t have to hide herself away. And now as the rain fell a little harder, that’s exactly what Beatrice was going to revert to doing, hiding within in a conscious not fully her own, putting back up her walls that Ava had been able to take down brick by brick.

Beatrice felt her breath catch as Ava pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek before, without another word, walking off into the night; away from the joy, away from the hurt and into the rumbling clouds of the storm. All she could do was watch. Her eyes transfixed on the retreating figure until she was no longer in sight.

Her knuckles bone white in the gloom as Beatrice gripped the edge of the stone wall. The rain falling steadily now, soaking through to her skin. She didn’t care. Its bitter cold battled with the raging inferno that was in her chest, mixing with the tears on her cheeks, blending them beyond recognition.

She was in pain, it wasn’t the first time, and she knew it wasn’t going to be the last but this stung differently to all the other times; this was self inflicted, a wound made of her own volition.

One she’d gifted Ava to bear…

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos, and comments are all very much appreciated. 
> 
> Let me know what you think either here or on twitter @theQueerwriter


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